When You're Invited In: Traveling as a Guest to a Traditional Indian Wedding

[0:00] Some of the most meaningful travel experiences aren't planned around destinations. They're built around invitations. My name is Kiara, and I am the host of Put the Guidebook Down, and today's episode is about what it means to be invited into a cultural moment that isn't yours, and how showing up with curiosity, respect,

[0:19] and humility can completely reshape how you travel. Today, I am joined by my longtime best friend, Nicole. How's it going? Hi, I'm good, how are you? I'm good, thank you for joining, and she has had a more interesting cultural experience than maybe I've, I haven't experienced, that she was

[0:40] actually invited to an Indian wedding in India, isn't that right? Yes, it was so fun.

[0:46] It was in Goa, which was absolutely amazing, and got to explore and also just learn a lot, which was super cool.

[0:53] Yeah, and I'm sure people have kind of heard different things about what Indian weddings are like, what it means to be a foreigner attending one of these celebrations. So we're going to get into that and more, just because I'm genuinely curious and I've always wanted to attend one. And as well,

[1:09] I know a lot of people have been invited to such cultural events and are maybe unsure about how to go about it. So yeah, for this episode, we're going to focus on not judging or any explanation of the culture. It's going to be solely focused on Nicole's experience navigating it as a guest, and

[1:27] how we interpret it from like an outsider's point of view. So, let's start with how this invitation even came about. So Nicole, how did you first

[1:37] learn that you'd be attending this wedding? Yeah, so one of my, like, best friend's, basically, brother, him and his wife, she's from India, and when I found out they were getting married, she was like, well, I want to do an Indian wedding, and she kind

[1:54] of was like, would you, would you be able to get time off to come, would you want to come and celebrate with us, and I was like, absolutely. So that was super fun to get that invite from her directly too. And then obviously the invitations came out, she sent us all, oh, she built a website that went,

[2:14] yeah, which it was like, I mean, it was like a generic wedding website, but it went through all of the different parts of the ceremony that they would do, what they wanted you to wear for each part of the ceremony, tips and tricks on how to get to Goa. And then as people responded and RSVP'd yes,

[2:31] they would send you like a, this is how you should, like, this is how you should go about getting the necessary travel stuff. Oh, that's so nice. Yeah, did that kind of help you prepare a little bit?

[2:44] Yeah, so it was super helpful, because especially like I wouldn't, I wouldn't necessarily have known a lot of the stuff that they sent out. And it kind of also gave me an idea of what to expect.

[2:57] Because I didn't really know anything about Indian weddings prior to this. She hadn't really talked to me too much about, like, the culture that she grew up in or anything. So having all that information to just kind of look through before I experienced it was super cool.

[3:14] Yeah, and did this kind of help with the emotions, maybe excitement, the nervousness, the uncertainty? Or what else were you feeling at the initial beginning of acknowledging that you're going to be attending this event?

[3:28] I was so excited. I definitely, I wanted to make sure that everything went smoothly, both from there and from my end. And as a result, I started doing things just very ahead of time. And as a result, I ended up almost being a point of contact for all the U.S. people who were...

[3:46] oh my gosh. No way. Yes, that was a little, that was something. So I was like, okay, not only do I need to know this for me, I really need to know this.

[3:56] Yeah, because now they're really all trusting you, they're like, oh, she knows what's going on, so we got to ask her all of our million questions.

[4:04] Yeah, there was definitely one point where they sent me, her and her husband's, well now husband, sent me a video of exactly a form, how to fill out one type of form, and she just said, can you make sure everyone

[4:18] does this. Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, so I was nervous about that part, and making sure like people got there, but I was just so excited to go, I was like, this is gonna be so fun. And for me, it was like,

[4:35] my parents weren't going, and I was just going with a bunch of people that I knew, because I know all of their friends, so I was like, it's going to be me plus just a bunch of friends, it's a friend trip basically to experience this, which is super special and cool.

[4:50] Yeah, and I mean it seems like it's a little bit more of a blend between this cultural experience, this kind of destination wedding, but then also a solo travel trip for you in a way, because you're going literally on the other side of the world by yourself.

[5:05] Yeah, yeah, which it definitely, it made me learn a lot, because I traveled to other countries before, but it was always with other people. And so this was the first time where I was like, okay, I need to make sure I have everything lined up and ready to go.

[5:17] It really changed my organization style, because I was like, there can't be any question of what it is, I have to know exactly where it is. And actually, it helped me a lot, because, I don't know, I don't know if I told you this when I was first telling you about the trip,

[5:31] but my airplane was supposed to land in New Delhi. Oh wait, no, you did tell me this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[5:38] It landed in Mumbai. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, it's like, I had to get on a different flight in order to get to Goa, because the way they were doing it, it would have routed me back to New Delhi, but I would have been too late for my second flight. So,

[5:56] it's like, there wasn't already enough going on, right, the flights had to be added as an extra layer of stress.

[6:03] But it's like I was just thinking about it, if I didn't do the level of meticulous preparation that I did, it would have been bad.

[6:10] Yeah. And I really like the point of knowing that you were doing all this additional research and prep work, because you were really there to be attending as a guest and not the center of the attention, since it's their wedding. So that really helps them not have to worry about you or all the other Americans, I guess,

[6:30] who are attending, since you were the point of contact, which is amazing.

[6:33] Yeah, no, I definitely, my goal with them was to just take some of the load off of them, 'cause I'm like, they're hosting this giant wedding, they essentially rented out one of the resorts in Goa, and they were like, we're going to put on all this stuff, but all of you need to make sure you get here.

[6:49] I feel like that's on you. We got you once we get here, but the preparation and getting there is all on your side. Yes, yes. Wow.

[6:59] It was so fun. Like I remember my first, even just the first taxi drive I took from the airport in Goa to the resort, was just like a culture shock slash, very, like I've learned some things beforehand, but it's a different, it's one thing reading about things and it's a different thing to experience them.

[7:20] Like the traffic. Oh yeah, girl, well as you know, because I was asking you for tips and tricks before I went to India, and I actually just did an episode about this, in terms of having certain expectations when you were landing, and then you get

[7:33] there and you're just realizing that there's, from an outsider point of view, some chaos going on, but there's actually order to all of the chaos, like the traffic going on, you just let it go.

[7:44] No, yeah, it's definitely, I kind of accepted that as soon as I got there, I was like, I'm going to be along for the ride. Like I was, my purpose is obviously I'm going to have fun and to celebrate, but it's also to learn.

[7:56] Yeah, that's the way to do it, honestly. But once you said yes to this whole experience and that you were definitely going to go to India for their wedding, let's talk a little bit more about the preparation and the work you did to prepare yourself before departure.

[8:14] So can you explain a little bit more about how you learned about the etiquette, clothing and customs? I know you mentioned that they prepared a website and gave you some information, but did you do any other research on your own before?

[8:26] Yeah, so I did a little bit of basic research on each type of ceremony that they were going to do, and kind of learned what to expect in each one, that was outside of their website. Their website was very, very good, good job with it.

[8:44] And then I also looked on, like, the U.S. government has some websites where you can look for travel facts and stuff like that, and it's just kind of basic safety stuff. Yeah, and then I signed up for the thing that they offer for U.S.

[8:58] citizens where you can tell them the route you're taking. Oh, STEP. To the nearby U.S. bases. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a STEP program. So I signed up for all of that, and just kind of, I talked with the couple and just kind of made, just, like, I guess, made a plan with them.

[9:22] Okay, that's good. And you were able to ask them any questions about etiquette or cultural norms there to help you prepare?

[9:31] Yes, I talked to them a lot about what would be expected of the guests in the different ceremonies. I found out about, essentially, they have a multi-step wedding ceremony, and there's one part where the bride and groom are walking around in a circle and the guests are kind of showering them with petals.

[9:55] And so I found out about that part, and I'm like, oh okay, I can be prepared for that, whereas if I hadn't known about that going in, no one really brought it up until it happened.

[10:04] Okay. Yeah. So that definitely helped a little bit. And I think the important point there that you're saying is that you were asking for advice and information about this stuff from locals or the couple whose celebration it was, and you're not just relying solely on Google, because we know that

[10:26] some of the information there has some inaccuracies, biases, and maybe not the best reference for resources.

[10:34] Yeah, yeah, and I was super lucky because also, like, the bride's dad was super phenomenal with this process as well, so not only could I ask the couple, I could ask her family. That's amazing, that was awesome.

[10:56] It was honestly amazing because I felt like it really prepared me for exactly what I would be walking into. Whereas, I can get an idea of each of the types of ceremonies and stuff from their website or just from quick online searches, but having the ability to talk to people

[11:09] was outstanding.

[11:11] Yeah, that's huge, because preparation is about getting it right. It's about minimizing the harm or misunderstandings, and just helping you feel more comfortable before you attend a cultural event such as this.

[11:25] Yeah, and especially for me, like, I was also buying outfits for this, because there was, yeah, like, I had to buy a lehenga and stuff like that, so I had to know what colors I could and couldn't wear, and what themes I should work with, and that sort of thing, so it was,

[11:46] very nice to have a space to ask those sorts of questions that wasn't like, they weren't angry that I was asking them, they were just like, oh, you're asking these, that's really smart.

[11:56] Oh, they were very open with that and actually appreciated that. Yeah, see, that's why it's so important, this is kind of falling into cultural travel, it's that immersiveness with it and then the genuine curiosity that you want to showcase to the locals or the people that you're attending with, so that they feel

[12:16] like you actually have a genuine interest in it and want to learn, and not just use the culture as a backdrop, or maybe just own some part of this, which is not yours to own in a way.

[12:27] No, fully. Yeah, and it was even helpful for like some small things that I wouldn't necessarily have known, like on what day I would want to go, I was there for five days total, the wedding was only three, so it was like a shortened version

[12:41] of a full wedding, but on day two we went into Old Goa, like a bunch of the old buildings and stuff like that. Someone had told me beforehand, I think it was the bride's mother essentially, like, they had told me to pack some long sleeve stuff, like long sleeve and pants.

[13:05] But then we went, she kind of pulled all of us aside and was like, just so you know, before you go, you're going to be out in the heat, but you should definitely wear more conservative clothing. And we were like, oh, okay, thank you. So it's

[13:23] just that sort of thing that was really helpful to kind of know what was going on.

[13:27] Yeah, that seems like such a helpful moment, and genuine, just like people looking out for you, but then also how receptive you were to the words of advice that she was offering for you guys. Yeah, now going a little bit into moments, because that was a moment that you shared

[13:44] clearly because you remember and recalled it rather quickly, so what other moments stood out to you the most throughout your whole experience and attending the

[13:53] wedding? Oh wow, okay, so a lot, there are a lot, there's so many. Um, so on, before, essentially they call it the "sangeet," I'm going to butcher the pronunciation.

[14:12] I was going to say, let's hear the Hindi or Sanskrit.

[14:18] They had us all do essentially a bunch of henna, and they had a bunch of drawings, and they had us putting flowers in each area, and it was super cool. I feel like that wasn't necessarily a huge moment in the wedding,

[14:41] but it's a moment I remember distinctly, because you had henna on your hands, but then you're also just dropping the flowers, making it pretty. And each one had a little blurb next to it about the

[14:54] significance of what we were doing, and what each picture was as well, which was super cool, because they tied it all back into essentially history, and it was so cool.

[15:08] Yeah, so informative, and you guys were like learning it, it just seems like it's a really intimate moment in a way that you were learning and engaging more with the culture

[15:17] side of where you were. Yeah, it was definitely, it was super special, and they also did a thing where they had her entire family tree, which was super cool to see, like, oh wow, they've been like, obviously I feel like living in the United States, I'm like, oh, I can remember back a couple generations,

[15:41] right, like a lot of generations. Yeah, I was gonna say, it's kind of like a movie moment, when they showed the family tree with all the family generations, I feel like we definitely don't see that much anymore, at least in the States.

[15:50] Yeah, that was super cool. And then there's a thing where you do a bunch of different dances. So the bride and groom had one dance, and then the family of the bride had a dance, the family of the groom had a dance,

[16:06] and they broke it up into a bunch of different groups of people having different dances, and they were all traditional, like, I would say traditional Indian style dances. I'm not knowledgeable enough to know a specific type of dance, but yeah,

[16:26] it was just so cool to see, because even my friend who's from the U.S. went out of his way to learn a bunch of traditional dances, and it was so fun to watch and kind of just understand the significance of it.

[16:42] And it was also super cool, because they took the bride's grandmother and they put her on a giant couch right directly in front of the dance floor, and she watched the entire thing.

[16:55] That's so cool. I mean, it just sounds like there was so much going on, not just from the itinerary of what you guys were doing throughout the celebration and the multiple day events, but in terms of kind of sensory overload with color, dances, showering with flowers. So what felt kind of unfamiliar, unsure to you?

[17:17] And how did you interpret that or respond to those situations, because there's just so much going on?

[17:22] Yeah, I think I went into this entire trip with the expectation that I wasn't necessarily going to know what I was doing the entire time. And I was like, when I'm panicking, when I don't know what's going on,

[17:38] I'll just take all of my cues from the people there that do. So I got there, and some of the first people I met were some of the bride's family, so I was just like, I will watch what they're doing, and I will learn from them,

[17:52] and I will make sure that if I'm going into a situation where I don't know what to do, they're always in front of me.

[17:57] So smart. Honestly, girl, this is exactly what I've been talking about in a couple of my previous episodes, is just the power of observation, especially when it comes to cultural moments, like, as you said, just taking the cues from people around you and then either kind of

[18:14] sandwiching yourself in between people who kind of know what's going on, and then just learning as you go and taking it in.

[18:20] Yeah, and I think I also think that it was very helpful to have a group of people that we were joining that were so accepting, and I don't know if the bride essentially told them to do this, but they just made sure that they were the

[18:36] first ones there, and they made sure that they were the first ones to react to everything, so it was just like they kind of understood that the majority of the U.S. group might not know what was going on fully, and they did their best to help us, which was really nice.

[18:54] Honestly, I experienced this while in India. It's really just like the hospitality that is with people from the regions in India and just how they really want to share their culture and just make you feel warm and welcomed.