The Loneliness Paradox of Modern Travel

[0:00] Have you ever been surrounded by people while traveling and still felt completely alone? You could be in a crowded hostel or standing in the middle of a crowd at a landmark and still feel entirely by yourself. Travel is sold as connection. Social media tells us solo travelers find lifelong friends and their groups, [0:21] digital nomads build these global communities, hostels become family, and strangers become best friends. Yet many travelers report loneliness, isolation, homesickness, and emotional burnout. Why? Maybe the issue isn't that we're disconnected. Maybe we're connected, but in all the wrong ways. My name is Kiara and I'm your host of Put the Guidebook Down.

[0:43] Today we are going to talk about the loneliness paradox of modern travel. And first up, we're going to be debunking the myth that travel automatically creates connection. Travel exposes you to so many people, but it doesn't automatically connect you to them. Social media and digital nomads do a great job of advertising this lifestyle online, [1:02] where we assume that if you quit your nine to five or move abroad or stay in hostels, that you'll automatically have these new friends, and all of these actions naturally lead to these deep connections that can go into lifelong friendships, new business opportunities, or to side quests you never considered prior to your arrival. [1:24] Which I'm not going to disagree completely. I'm gonna admit some of them are true, and I've had my own fair share of meeting lifelong friends, exploring different business opportunities with people I met in hostels. But it's important to note that not everyone has those experiences. And by consuming content constantly that highlights these, [1:44] it makes us feel that this is the normal for travel. And if we don't experience it, then maybe there's something wrong with us or what we're doing, which isn't true. In my previous episode I've talked about how we see these lives that are marketed to us online, [2:00] but they don't actually expose the full true story of what's happening underneath. The different emotions that these global nomads experience or travel creators or influencers, such as what happens in the downtime, when those emotions creep in, when you're truly alone by yourself and not able to connect with someone overseas, your regular friends or families. [2:23] And this can create a deeper sense of loneliness abroad than at home because you are without your support system, you're in a new environment completely, you may have a language barrier that you're overcoming, and you're trying to navigate different cultural nuances, and maybe even some culture shock, [2:42] which can be internalized as a lot of different pressures and anxieties without us knowing or acknowledging it. So that's why it's important to really know that there is a difference between meeting people abroad versus really knowing people that you meet abroad. You can go to all these hostels and meetups and meet different people in tour groups, [3:04] but you're still just meeting them. It's still very much surface level. Very, very few from those many social instances will you actually connect on a deeper level and really get to know them. And this can also be because of how many people are constantly meeting when they travel abroad. [3:24] It can be overwhelming and there's so much stimuli going around with trying to navigate all of these changes, the new environment, see what you're there to see while also meeting new people, that people stay on the surface level of it. Maybe seeing it as not a good use of time to go deeper or not a priority. [3:44] And it's not something to take personal. It's just everyone's at their different goals and pathways of travel. You just have to find someone that meshes with your energy, is in the same travel goals or pathways as yourself, and then be open to going deeper than staying on the surface level of how the weather is. [4:01] And so many travel ads will continuously try to sell connection to you or finding that sense of belonging, which is great. Again, we can find that with travel, but it's something that we need to be aware of when we're consuming this marketing content around travel.

[4:15] I think one of these personal instances for me is that living in Moldova or in these different non super touristy places of Indonesia, I kind of had this different experience when going into other countries such as in Europe, where in those places where I lived I was used to being more involved in [4:36] talking with locals and people being interested in taking that interest in chatting with me and getting to know me because I spoke the local language. Maybe I didn't look like the general population there and they just wanted to see why I was there. But then I go to Europe or some other country in Western Europe, [4:52] such as during my time in Spain, where they're used to getting influx of tourists. So they don't really care about the American who's one in a million visiting their city. And this can sometimes be a little bit of a shock for someone, especially if you're used to having more people be the ones to take the active [5:10] interest in leading the conversations and initiating the discussion with you. And instead you have to be the one to take that role. It's a little bit of a reality check. You realize that no one knows you, nobody's gonna check on you, and no one will maybe notice that you're struggling because they're so used to the [5:28] large amount of tourists. And that's where we start to feel the loneliness. Being surrounded by people is not the same thing as belonging somewhere.

And people may say, well, we have technology, right? Technology solves distance and allows us for more communication, but it doesn't solve the loneliness completely, right? Because they're not there with you. [5:49] They could be further away or even across oceans or continents. And it's not exactly the same thing as talking with someone right next to you. Travelers are never truly alone anymore as a result, but this may be part of the problem. Research consistently shows social media can increase feelings of social comparison and loneliness despite increasing the connectivity. [6:12] Studies from organizations like the Pew Research Center and academic researchers have explored how constant digital connection doesn't necessarily create meaningful relationships. So you can continue chatting with your friends, because essentially social media is like the newer pen-palling that people used to do back in the day, [6:31] but it's not going to be the same depth of really knowing someone if you never really meet up in person. I know some may challenge that statement. Please, I welcome it. I would love to hear your stories and why you would take a different idea or approach to that. But for many, [6:47] especially those who rely on those technology connections to fill for the missing in-person ones, it's just going to add to that layer of isolation and loneliness that you can feel with travel. And in my opinion is replacing presence with connectivity. When you're constantly texting people back home, you're focused on that connection and maintaining that connection, [7:11] staying up to date with each other, which is great. That's a support system and is super important when you're living or traveling abroad. So don't get rid of that. But what I'm saying is that by constantly focusing on texting those back home, you may be missing what's right in front of you. [7:26] You may miss the opportunity to converse with someone in the hostel because you wanted to spend time calling your best friend back home, which means you've missed an opportunity to learn something new, meet new people, maybe engage with the culture or go out on another side quest. [7:40] You may be missing the opportunity to be in the present moment and to actually step away from what's going on back home to see what this true travel side of yourself is. And so this all really comes together into a major question that we should be considering. Do we fully arrive somewhere anymore? [8:02] Or are we still just leaving some part of ourselves behind at home because we're so focused on the connection and being with technology? I think yes, because of what I was explaining earlier, if you're so focused on those connections and only those connections and letting those technology conversations be more prioritized than being in the moment and [8:25] starting conversations or new experiences with those in the destination that you're in, then you're not fully in the moment. You're not fully there. You're still not arrived. And this is all going back to this loneliness paradox of modern travel. Because twenty years ago, people disappeared into travel. There was no technology, you had to really rough it. [8:47] You had maps, you had pen-palling, you were writing letters. Postcards were the main thing that you sent to show that you were in a destination and thinking of someone. But then now people have WhatsApp, they have Telegram, Instagram, FaceTime, location sharing. You can stay emotionally anchored at home while physically being abroad. [9:06] Modern travelers rarely leave home anymore. We're just changing our locations.

And this pushes to the rise of these temporary relationships. Where travel is increasingly built around short-term connection. And that's what a lot of these travel companies are pushing towards us. We have hostels, group tours where they're curated for you, [9:28] and you stay in these groups with the same people for the duration of the tour. You have co-working spaces, which helps facilitate remaining in these digital nomad bubbles. And you have backpacker routes that are predominantly covered by these backpackers, which means you're just going to keep meeting people in passing rather than staying [9:48] in a space and truly going deeper and getting to know people. And depending on what you're looking for in your travel, this can be great, especially if you're new to travel and you're just looking to explore something new with your paid time off or just dip your toe into travel or solo travel. [10:04] But for those who are looking for some more of that growth, that meaningful experience, or want to experience what people post online and finding those relationships where they truly know people, meet their future partners or business partners, it can be tough because it often feels like any person they just meet, that connection just disappears immediately. [10:26] And this goes back to what I was saying earlier, and that there's just so much stimuli that some people are just constantly filtering or stuck on the surface level because they know they're gonna be gone to the next city or country in three days. [10:37] But this doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing, or it doesn't necessarily have to be like this. These smaller relationships and connections can still be meaningful. You can still make an effort to in your initial conversation go deeper, to have a shared experience, to take a side quest together, [10:56] maybe to exchange information and actually make an active effort to continue the conversation rather than if you're just happening to be passing through the area of one of the other person's hometowns or you're just liking each other's Instagram posts or stories. You have to put the effort and the intention there to receive the effort and [11:17] intention that you're looking for. But always being cognizant of the fact that maybe the person is also at a different point of their travel journey and they're still stuck on the surface level. Then that's not your fault. Maybe it's just not a match. Maybe it's not a match at that time. [11:33] But by making the effort and putting yourself into the openness of getting to those deeper levels and conversations, you're experiencing that growth for yourself. So it's kind of a win. So I want you to reflect. You meet someone. Maybe you spend three days, one week, a month together, and then you never speak again. [11:55] Is this connection or is this companionship? Reflect on that. Many travelers collect people the same way they collect destinations. Just stories, just passing memories, something to relay on their adventures abroad. Many don't take the time to go deeper. We should change that.

So zooming out on the bigger picture, [12:14] we need to reflect on are we looking for community maybe in the wrong places? Travel culture often prioritizes meeting people and creates all these different situations and areas for us to meet people, but belonging requires more than that. So before we talk about belonging, we really need to think about what actually creates belonging and how does this [12:37] manifest or look to different people and different cultures. Because when you travel, you meet people from all different parts of the world. How we create belonging cross-cultural differences is important to find those deeper connections and relationships. Many people define belonging in different ways. Some find a purpose or mission that they resonate with and go through an experience [13:01] or action that allows them to act upon that mission. Some people find it with language, that's a big one for me, in that being able to learn the language of a local area or community that I want to connect with gives me some belonging or gives me a sense of belonging to that area. [13:19] Some people define it as building relationships within just not one person but a group of people. So you need to reflect on it yourself and then also reflect on how others may define belonging, because that will help you with when you're meeting new people, in that you'll be aware of different ways to approach conversations and how other [13:40] people find connection to build more meaningful relationships. And it doesn't matter if you're only just visiting that destination. If you truly want to create a sense of belonging, you will. If you just want to be passing through, staying on the surface level, you will. It's all about the intention and the effort that you put into it. [14:01] Another way to look at this is connection is easy, fast and exciting, whereas belonging is more slow, repetitive, and sometimes can come across boring because it's very habit focused. I think a good example of how belonging is starting to translate into modern travel is with community participation and cultural travel, where people are looking for [14:24] more experiences to learn and experience how locals live in their daily lives while actually going into these smaller villages, doing some of the daily tasks that we would do at home, but their versions. So rather than maybe going to a supermarket for their groceries, [14:43] they're going to a local market and haggling and having to carry it back rather than being able to get in a car and go. So from that you're participating in the community, you find that deeper connection, see similar faces repeatedly, and just have a shared responsibility. When traveling you don't belong because you arrived. [15:01] You belong because you stayed and went deeper.

So then what can travel teach us about loneliness? Loneliness is not always a problem. That's the first one. It's sometimes the point. We can get uncomfortable with being alone because we're alone with our thoughts, our emotions, our feelings, [15:18] and that may be the first time that you're actually in that situation because you've removed the external stimuli, you've removed the constant pressures or stresses of your home environment or your nine-to-five or your day-to-day. So now you have nothing to do but to be alone with your thoughts. [15:35] And this especially can occur if you're starting to feel isolated in your environment because of language barriers, of culture shock, and it challenges us to look at ourselves maybe differently, to step out of our comfort zone to resolve that discomfort. And I think this also plays out a lot in today's day and age with social media and [15:54] maybe that discomfort that comes when we have nobody around to validate our experiences, because today's society is very much about showing, documenting, kind of like bragging, trying to create a feeling of FOMO. So then when you don't have people there to consume your content or validate, like, yeah, she did go there, [16:12] then maybe we start to lose a feeling of purpose or accomplishment. Even if that reinforcement comes from strangers. There's a commercial, I believe is Progressive, where they have someone doing repair work in the basement and the joke is that the main character who owns the house is gonna take a picture of the basement flooding, [16:36] post to Instagram, and they're like, well, you don't need to post everything online, and one of the other Progressive representatives jokes about how life is meaningless without constant validation, which like, it's unfortunately true and relatable to how we're approaching modern documentation and social media. It's people need that constant validation and praise from people online to feel [17:02] like what they did was relevant and impactful. Which it doesn't need to be like that, but we still allow it to be that way. So we need to change our approach on that and acknowledge that. Some things can be kept to ourselves and that we're allowed to do things for ourselves just for ourselves. [17:21] We don't need to share it with strangers. We don't need to wait and ensure that's accepted by someone else or an external influence. It can teach us that growth and understanding of who we are as individuals. Because some of the most meaningful travel moments happen when you're alone on a train, sitting in a plaza, [17:42] watching a sunset or sunrise, getting lost. Not because they were shared, but because they weren't. Because the goal of travel shouldn't be to avoid loneliness. It should be to learn how to be with yourself.

So then how do you feel less lonely while traveling? [17:58] And as a solo traveler, this was something huge that I had to learn on my own. And this was something that I was actually scared about going on my first solo travel, and now that I'm familiar with solo travel, have done my own segments that way, [18:13] I meet people in hostels and they're always scared about eating by themselves. And I have to tell them like, that's actually one of the preferred and best experiences for us other solo travelers who have been doing this for a while. Because you want that quiet at that point. [18:26] You learn to appreciate and crave that time by yourself for reflection. So if you're just starting and you don't know where to begin, here's some suggestions. My first one's to build routines. This can be at home or when you're abroad. Try going to the same cafe, the same market, same gym. Just creating some familiarity with your routine, [18:50] seeing those same faces so you have that belonging sensation, and you start to feel more comfortable. The next one is more for when you're abroad. It's to learn some basics of a language and the destination that you're in. These basic phrases can help you with creating conversation if you're feeling alone [19:06] or want to try to connect and go deeper in your travel. It helps with reducing isolation, so overcoming that language barrier so you're not stuck in your own bubble. And it helps deepen your interaction with the locals, the community, and the culture. The next is to prioritize depth over volume. [19:25] I've said this before in one of my other episodes, but maybe instead of meeting 30 people, try genuinely connecting with two. And I've said I've talked about this concept with one of my good friends, Mike, in either one of our episodes on this podcast or not a different one. [19:40] But he originally had this huge goal when he was living in Morocco to meet sixty plus people. And I was the one that said, whoa, Mike, you really need to think more about the quality over quantity, because those sixty people are most likely not going to converse with you often while you're in Morocco [19:59] or probably not at all once you leave. But if you're investing in connecting with maybe three or five people and building those relationships so that you guys have that shared connection and know each other, then they're more likely to continue the conversation with you after you leave the country. And his exact response and example was like, yeah, [20:22] I learned as we got further into my grant living there that 60 was just not feasible and not fun. It created more stress for him. So once he scaled back to his goal of three to five, he was able to enjoy his time much more in Morocco. The next is stay longer. [20:41] Slow travel is a thing, it's becoming a thing, and it should be a thing. Longer stays create this recognition, familiarity, and community with where you are, and also allows you to go deeper and travel more meaningfully and immersively into the host environment. The last one is to get comfortable with being alone. [21:02] Not every moment needs to be content, validation, or companionship. This is where the growth really happens. This is where you see your true self start to come out and are challenged to step outside your comfort zone to try something new. I mentioned that this was something that I originally struggled with, [21:21] but then now I find that these are the moments that I crave most. And talking to other fellow travelers who are solo travelers, they prefer the quiet. Instead, when they'll have like a limited social battery, they stay in hostels because they still crave that social environment. [21:38] Many still opt now for solo rooms where they can step away from the noise and the crowds to reflect, or they make time for their own adventures away from the group so that they can be alone and experience their travel for themselves. And that's totally okay.

[21:58] The most important thing is that everyone is in their own travel journey, learning different things at different points. Just being open to the change and being aware of this loneliness paradox is going to help boost your travel so much more. Travel promises connection, but sometimes what it really gives us is a mirror. It strips away routines, identities, [22:17] and familiar relationships and asks us a difficult question. Who are you when nobody knows you? Or who knows you? Or who are you when you're by yourself? Perhaps the real loneliness paradox isn't that we're alone while traveling. It's that we spend so much time trying to avoid being alone that we miss what [22:38] travel is trying to teach us. Before we close out this episode, I would like to leave a question with you to reflect. What's the loneliest moment you've experienced while traveling, and what did it teach you? Please leave your thoughts in the comments and make sure to like and subscribe to our channel. [22:52] We're all about going deeper on the surface level of travel topics that we see in different forums and social media so that your travel is more meaningful, gives you an opportunity to grow, and helps you feel empowered to take the next step in your own travel pathway and journey. Thank you so much, everyone. Bye.